The Raven's Roost

I just saw that I wrote an entire post last week and never sent it. I've deleted it now, but I feel a bit dense, LOL. We got home with head colds - probably head colds, anyway - and they seem to be relentless. I've been sick since the first of May. This sucks, I'm tired of being tired, and I'm annoyed that I'm missing the last few cool mornings until November. I'm used to being able to push myself, but I'm not sure what to push or in which direction. "Listen to your body"? The signals change every few hours. I just want this over with.

Anyway. The only thing I've felt much like doing besides reading is gaming. I'm almost through Environmental Station Alpha. I'm in the post-game where things get both more challenging and more unhinged. There's a spike maze that you get through by using your dash, and I haven't managed that yet. It's not quite as bad as the cannon challenge in Owlboy but it's testing my button mashing abilities.

I also bought a Kingdom Hearts bundle on sale, which apparently has the first two games and a set of ... is it DLC? There may actually be seven games here. Fox wanted this series as well, and I decided to get it when I found Disney hadn't made any dick moves like "family sharing disabled." I'm literally just starting out with this franchise, though I've been curious about it for ... omg two decades. I've made it to the Olympic Coliseum, and the Deep Jungle. I noticed I've been picking up special moves I can swap out, and I wonder if I'll earn move slots for those, and for equipment.

The Zucchini Singularity has begun here, and I have a grocery bag of squash to turn into bread, muffins, and stir fry. The cherry tomato plant in my garden that randomly started up Leeroy Jenkins style in a cinder block has flowers on it now. We've gotten almost three inches of rain this month, so the sand road is much better, which I would enjoy a great deal if I felt well enough to go for a run.

I managed to tidy up my writing space, so perhaps when my brain isn't clogged with mucus I can do some of that. Dhhieofjkdnjdkfslfl

I caught Fox's lung infection, yay. So far I mostly have a minor cough and a sore throat, but I also feel tired and wiped out. Hot beverages help the throat but the caffeine isn't giving me the kick I need to function normally. I hope this is over soon.

One of the smoke detectors went off early this morning. Fox is always telling me they're all supposed to go off, they're wired together or something, but I've only noticed one going off at any given time. It went off for a few minutes and stopped on its own. I'm going to check the battery today, I have some extras, but it may simply be dusty. I think these are the sort that use a laser light to detect particles, so it may just need to be blown out.

Anyway, Friday Five.
1. Where do you get ideas/inspo for your writing?
Sometimes through RP sessions, sometimes real life events, sometimes simply woolgathering. Usually a combination of all three.

2. Do you have a favorite place to write?
Not exactly, but I find I'm often either sitting on the couch, or on the floor at the coffee table.

3. What are your tricks for getting through writers block?
Go write something else. The less it has to do with whatever I'm blocked on the better. It doesn't even have to be "real writing," it can be journaling, and I just let my mind wander. Reading can also help.

4. Favorite genre to write? Do you have a different favorite genre for reading?
I rather enjoy writing natural observations but I don't usually bother sharing them. These usually end up in my journals. Otherwise I guess what I write is like fantasy slice of life? I've never really given a lot of thought to what my genre is. But I read pretty widely, I mostly just avoid romance. I'm not interested in those kinds of stories.

5. What is something you really want to write but haven't gotten around to yet?
I really want to finish "Lora" at some point, it feels like it's eating my life.

The elliptical machine came yesterday, but it took half the day to get it hauled inside the house and assembled. We broke the box open in the truck and carried it inside in pieces because it was so heavy. But it seems to work well and Fox is pleased with it. It's remarkable how quiet it is.

I'm done base-building and today starts "official" marathon training. Not exactly much has changed, but I can't just blow off workouts. I'm also comfortably down to three strength sessions a week of four or five different lifts instead of the longer and more detailed ones I've been doing since January. Today's run is a 40-minute easy pace, which I'll be doing on the treadmill because it's still miserably hot here. My rule of thumb right now is that if it's over 75 when I get up, I run on the treadmill. Unfortunately for me, the recent hurricane has dragged an area of high pressure over us, bringing relentlessly hot temps. There's a glimmer of hope later this week - I see lows between 69 and 71 coming up - but I'm not going to hold my breath. It's still tempting to run speed sessions outside, because it just doesn't feel like you can really exert any power on the treadmill.

The garden's getting to that ragged late-summer stage that's kind of depressing. I need to till under a couple of beds and start preparing for our actual growing season here - winter. The garlic didn't do well in the heat, so I'm going to try that again, and I'm going to designate another bed for potatoes. I have eight Everglades Tomatoes that are coming along well and need to either be in pots or in the ground soon. There are still two pumpkins out there on the vines, but I've harvested four so far, which is a decent haul. I'm debating whether to start more. Fox is going to be moving the burn pile further to the east so that the flat area we've made can be converted into more veggie beds and/or a larger trellis area for pumpkins or grapes.

The mosquitoes are a nightmare, though, and those big tiger-stripe ones are out. UGH

Henry Thoreau wrote that he could hear whispers of autumn even at the height of spring, and so it is here. The big golden Orb Weaver spiders are starting to build webs, which is usually a late summer thing. The poplars *may* be starting to turn? I can't really tell so I'm going with "not yet." There's a huge Orb Weaver web near where Fox has been working, and we were looking at the spider with a bug she'd caught when a larger fly (like a horsefly or a sandfly maybe?) flew into the web, stuck for a second, but then pulled away and flew off. I wonder if that fly has any appreciation for how much luck was on its side that day.

Sorry if I'm whining, I just do not like summer.

I'm putting most of this entry behind a cut, because it's full of angst and drama, and you might not want to have to deal with reading it right now. That's fine, and I'm not saying that in a passive-aggressive manner. But to give you a quick rundown in case you want to know what's up - I haven't talked a lot about my family here because I don't interact with them very much. I feel like I "ought" to be concerned and keep in touch with them and want to see them but I can't seem to find two fucks to rub together to start a fuckfire. It turns out this attitude is considered pretty normal for people who were adopted, as they don't often form strong attachments to anyone as babies. I was adopted by my maternal grandparents when I was born, as in they took me home from the hospital. I had never really concerned myself with "adopted kid problems" because I assumed since I was part of a kinship adoption and remained with my family, that stuff didn't apply to me.

( Boy oh boy was I wrong about that. )

One of my least favorite holidays is coming up and I know it's far too much to ask, but I always hold out hope that people will quit setting fireworks off.

I also found a good workaround for my need to fidget with and worry at things made of soft silicone - I bought some of those silicone Enso rings. I can fidget with one of those to my heart's content. I have a rose-gold/copper one that, oddly enough, seems to blend in with my skin, and a glittery green/purple color called "dragon." I might get a thicker band for my thumb, as I've always liked wearing thumb rings. I just quit wearing rings of any type during the early days of Covid because they made handwashing annoying.

*ahem*
IT RAINED LAST NIGHT!

After a long stretch of dry weather it finally rained, and it dumped nearly two inches on us in half an hour. Not only has it been not-raining, but the humidity has been very low, too. It's the time of year when we worry about wildfires starting, especially living in the middle of hundreds of acres of woods made up of what's known as "lighter pine." I don't know if Fox is going to take advantage of the dampness to light up our trash pile, but he might.

I have an eye doctor appointment in Orange Park this morning, fun fun. I go all the way out there because the optometrist allows me to skip the glaucoma test. I know that no one likes the air puff test, but considering I'm jumpy enough that I have trouble putting my head to ANY of the machines, it's a courtesy I and my nervous system appreciate. I get extremely anxious and twitchy when anyone or anything is near my face. Anyway, I'll get fitted for new contacts, and hopefully also get a new set of glasses. The ones I'm wearing are two or three prescriptions out of date, but I typically only wear them around the house, and if I need to go anywhere, I put my contacts in.

I'm having a lot of distressing troubles with my comics. I started a few stories and now can't finish them. I mean, my brain would rather do literally anything than just pick up the fucking stylus, boot up Clip Studio, and just. fucking. draw. And I want SO badly to do it, but can't. I can't just flake out every time I get into the middle of a longer piece - I have a lot more stories about my world that I want to draw up and share, and the fact that I'm bogged down halfway through one is disheartening. My brain doesn't seem to care about any threats or bribes I devise and the only thing I can think of to do is literally try to force myself. Why should I have to force myself to do something I want to do? This is dumb.

Anyway, I've gotten my kanji and kana flashcards back out. I think my Japanese is better than I'm giving myself credit for. I just don't have a good way to practice speaking, and conversation is always my weakest point in language learning. I read French very well, but if you were to drop me in the middle of Paris, I'd likely forget every single French word I know if I had to ask someone for directions. I mean, in Tokyo I can at least remember "sumimasen." LOL

I think it's both funny and very telling that most of the kanji I recognize are related to food.

I don't have a running workout scheduled today but I do need to lift when I get home. My legs are still a little stiff and sore from Tuesday's workout, so I'm going to do mainly upper body lifts. My long run this weekend isn't that long, so hopefully I can get outside and run it instead of needing the treadmill, but if I do have to treadmill it, I can at least watch Assassination Classroom.

We got home Thursday to find Feisal had gone from just walking oddly to peeing on the floor where he was laying - there was a LOT of urine. Same thing the next morning, so I got him an emergency vet appointment and ... he's diabetic. Diabetes is somewhat unusual in cats, but he fits the profile of an older male cat, though he was never obese. They started him on insulin, so he's had two doses now. He seems to be a little more alert and mentally active, but we're still having the urinary incontinence from time to time. Yesterday afternoon there was none, but I found a small spot before bed, and more this morning. I'm just going to stock up on cleaning products and keep in mind that I'll probably be mopping that floor on the regular for a while.

I've been so stressed out with the cat and trying to get things back in order here that now I feel like utter garbage. I was afraid I'd be bringing poor Feisal home in a cardboard box yesterday and was steeling myself to saying goodbye, because I honestly thought all the pee meant kidney failure. Actually the bloodwork shows his kidneys are fine. Just his glucose is sky-high. Anyway.

My heart rate variability was really low last night, and I slept but don't feel rested. I feel pretty beat up and have developed a cough, so that's going to make running a lot of fun. I think all the trip and cat stress has got me so on edge that I am going to have to exhaust myself completely to start getting any restful sleep.

The air conditioning is out.

Happily, we found a local repair company that works relatively longer hours and were able to talk to them last night. It was probably around 10 by the time we were done opening the unit and looking at it. We thought the compressor might be bad, but when Fox described the problem to the tech, he said it might be the starter. If so it's a fairly easy fix. He should be here later this afternoon.

It's a newer system and still under the manufacturer's warranty so we're not that worried about it. It's just annoying to be without AC right now. It's "only" around 86 at the moment, but with the blinds down and fans on, some parts of the house are staying acceptably cool.

No real idea what would cause the starter to fail, but we've been having a lot of problems with the power lately. Okay, not "problems," exactly, but a lot of little power surges and fluctuations. We can tell sometimes because lights flicker and you can hear things shutting off, but it's most obvious with Fox's computer, since you can hear the fairly loud clicking sounds it makes as the power goes on and off and the battery backup tries to compensate. I have no idea what Clay Electric has done or what this is about. In 2019 they conducted a series of repairs and renovations on the rural parts of the power grid, including getting most of us hooked up with those wireless meters. It was great through storm season, as the new system proved to be pretty robust. The only major, extended outage we've had was when a truck hit a utility pole and literally pulled down a couple hundred yards of power lines.

Between being hot and having depleted blood volume from donating, I'm extremely lethargic right now. I've also been weirdly compelled to drink and have probably been downing twenty ounces each hour, but I'm finally feeling non-thirsty now. I have a treat for later in the fridge - the Topo Chico mineral water I like was on sale at Publix.

It's kind of nice having the windows open and being able to hear the outside world, but I like being cool in summer. Besides, it's always a lot of fun the first day we open the house in the fall - the cats love it.

At least the humidity isn't bad right now, LOL.

I don't know if it's the covid shot or something else, but I've been dealing with a lot of fatigue and brain fog the last several days. I'm having a lot of trouble focusing, even on things I enjoy doing, like art. I did manage to open a file today and start back on an illustration but I haven't progressed much yet.

A couple of days ago I lost a baking pan I like. Fox even helped me look for it. I'd forgotten that I made mini cheesecakes and had the molds on that baking pan while they were in the freezer setting up. It took me hours to remember this - so I forgot where the pan was, and that I had cheesecake. When I'm not actively forgetful I often feel like I'm mentally just drifting. If a more severe version of this is what covid patients wind up dealing with then holy crap.

Today isn't helped by my neighbor's dog, who has decided recently that barking all the time is now his thing. Well, not barking exactly, but this constant whimpering and yipping that he'll keep up for several minutes, pause, then start again. For hours. He will not be quiet and I am so stressed out and exhausted that I'm on the verge of texting her with "please do something about Hercules, I can't sleep" although I know he's stressing her out, too. I would guess he's the boyfriend's dog or something, since she's admitted she hates the dog.

She did something earlier and he's now only yipping a little - about few times and then he stops and is mostly quiet. So whatever it was, bless her soul for it. The relief I feel is akin to not having to know what Donald Trump thinks about Derek Chauvin's conviction. And trust me when I say that the absence of commentary from that quarter is a balm on my heart.

Anyway that's my existence lately. The cheesecakes turned out tasty, but I never did get the cream cheese to emulsify properly and they kind of separated. They still taste good, though I need to figure out what went wrong. Chocolate topping also didn't adhere well though that could be fixed by stirring chocolate chips into the mix next time, or melting the chocolate and making a swirl.

The last couple of weeks, I have not been able to get my ass in gear very much. I'm almost constantly tired and it's hard to motivate myself to run, work on art, etc. It feels like this has been going on for a while but it's just gotten worse recently. I don't actually feel too bad this week but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

My calf has mostly healed, with just some lingering tightness in the morning, pre-yoga, and sometimes after a longer run. But there's no pain anymore and I'm not needing to favor that leg when I walk. Since I didn't have anything else injured, I stabbed myself in the finger. That is to say, I was pruning some brambles out of my lemon tree (why they like growing up around that tree I have no idea, they don't grow around the calamondin) and while reaching in to snip some near the trunk I drive one of the lemon tree's spines right into my right forefinger. Through the leather glove I was wearing. It's not infected, but I sometimes seem to have a mild reaction to citrus "bites," and for about a day or so that finger hurt like hell. It's fine today and I'm back to drawing but I'm way behind on Inktober now.

Not sure why I'm having such a hard time getting myself together. I've had depressive episodes before - my depression has mostly cleared up for now but it used to be really bad, especially in combination with anxiety. So this doesn't feel like a "real" depression, but like a bad case of the blues. And as I say, I have no idea why. Maybe it's just being stuck in the house all fucking summer, and it's STILL hot outside. God I hate summer.

Fox is going into town today to get some cement and shit. The bear came around last night while I was awake and knocked down the fence to get at the garbage cans. I went to check, and since it didn't sound like dogs, I started clapping my hands and shouting, then got the living hell scared out of me when I saw her broad ass vanish into the woods. She came BACK again, and knocked over the fence AGAIN, and so now Fox is going to help me build a wooden shed for the garbage, with a latching door. It'll also be a convenient shelter for the generator, since it will be next to the utility pole. Anyway, Feisal is all freaked out because of it, so he's been tip-toeing around and peering out the windows all morning, you know how cats get when they're on high alert. I tried giving him some catnip because it seems to help him. I know often cats get energetic from it, but I've also had cats that seemed to mellow out with some 'nip.

Oh, and the lawn mower is in the shop because it's developed an oil leak somewhere that we can't locate, and it's making the engine smoke really badly. It's under warranty, so we decided to drop it off at the dealer and let it be John Deere's problem. But I did get my neighbor's yard mowed for her. And I got to finally pet her cat!

So I'm going to let Fox go to Home Despot on his own, since I still have to run grocery errands tomorrow, and I need to do a long run today. I'm just procrastinating until he heads out.

My pills still haven't shipped. If they're still "dispensing" tomorrow and haven't gone into the mail I'm 90% likely to call my GP back up and see if I can get an emergency supply of at least five days filled locally. I had no idea they were going to drag their feet so much, especially after bullying me into changing pharmacies. But I guess this is the least of worries under the new "ACA," so I should either suck it up, buttercup or maybe just go ahead and shoot myself.

In slightly happier news I feel like eating cheese. Specifically I found a two pound block of velveeta and I really want to just straight up eat it. Not melted or on anything, just fucking eat the thing.

IN EVEN BETTER NEWS I went for a run. I've gone from 2:1 interval running to 3:1, then 4:1, and recently I started running a whole mile, then walking about 1/10. The logic there is that most races have aid stations every mile, and you need to slow down to drink. I usually keep walking until I burp, then it's time to run again. I'm doing this on the treadmill at a sustainable pace, lower than my race pace. I'm also enjoying listening to electro-swing lately, fun stuff! My training plan has "pace days," which means run at race pace, but I'm skipping those while my anxiety is an issue. It's hard to eat, and to keep things in my system, so I've been feeling less than stellar and I'm low on energy.

I've been able to chat with Steelwing, a long-time friend who has been listening to my shit for over fifteen years. Fox is very reassuring, but it's helpful to talk to someone who has known you that long.

I also posted to an online group that's a big seething wad of positivity. Last year I plunked down the money and signed up with Nerd Fitness Academy. One of the perks is access to the private FB groups, men and women. The women's group is amazing. I'm especially hanging onto a comment that said, basically, "You're fighting your way through this the best way you can and you are a warrior."

So this morning, I transplanted six Amish Paste tomatoes and a dozen Ten Fingers of Naples. They all looked good this evening. I hope they're still there tomorrow morning. I've had problems with deer and rabbits before, and now there's a tall fence around the veggie plots against deer. But rabbits can still get in. A few years ago I had a lot of success with using coyote pee to keep the freeloading bums out of my garden. I still have a 16 ounce bottle. A little goes a long way. It also makes the cats cluster around me, sniffing, insistent, and making 'butt face.' Yeah, one time I accidentally spilled some on my hands and jeans. I'm pretty sure coyotes would have loved me. Also: I love coyotes. I refuse to shoot or harm them, and firmly believe predators are necessary to environmental health.

I also did a lot of catch-up household chores. So I mostly managed to stay busy. I wish I felt well enough to draw - my mind is really running on stories. I loosely sketched out a rewrite of a short story, and I've been slowly editing a novel I did for NaNoWriMo back down to it's real plot - without all the excess NaNo stuff in there to make word count. Murder, mayhem, and gay romance, what's not to like. Mostly mayhem. :D

And tomorrow may be a crowning glory, or an abject failure. I'm going to try a recipe for braising a whole chicken in milk. It looks amazing. Luscious. Decadent. Succulent. Life changing. It could also end up sucking balls. I've never tried this method - traditionally you braise pork in milk. It's also a Jamie Oliver recipe that the NYT Cooking column picked up and they assure their readers it is absolutely worth the effort.

Off topic - how many covers of "Long Black Veil" are there?

So you can see what I'm dealing with brain-wise. Man, I hope they ship my pills, I don't wanna call my doctor about the emergency RX. Also, since I'm Officially Old he's ordering a mammogram. Yep, I get to go get a titty-mashing. Aside from the obvious dysphoria, I'm also terrified because of the prevalence of breast cancer in my family. I wouldn't be surprised if the stupid things were trying to kill me. Honestly, why do we have breasts? They're useless unless you're feeding an infant, so folks like me are stuck with fatty lumps that are constantly in the way and look dumb. (I think my tits look ridiculous and awful. I've tried different body-positive approaches but it hasn't helped.) I also dread being treated like a traditional woman. But hey, this is a Great New Country and I guess I ought to get to being feminine and making sure men like me. Maybe I should start pumping out white babies for the Motherland! Yeah! I mean, anxiety-ridden babies with probable depression, definitely nearsighted. But white babies! Yeah!

Ugh, I hate what my country has turned into. I'm torn between wanting to fight beak and claw and just giving the fuck up and moving to Norway.

Doesn't it take a lot of energy to hate that many people that much? Sometimes, like today, I'm so happy and thankful for my friends I feel exhausted with gratitude. Seems like hate would require a lot more work.

And anyway, we're all caught up on "The Magicians" now. I'm getting the last two books Saturday, so after I finish this re-read of LoTR I'll get on those.

I dunno, folks. I feel worn down. Like the world needs all the help it can get, but I can barely get out of bed. Like I'm supposed to be the hero in my story but it's turning into this boring postmodern shit where I just question existing. Sometimes I just want to make a blanket fort in my bedroom and cry and eat Cheerios. I'm really sucking at this hero role, and it's the one I auditioned for, so I feel awful about it.