Friday Five - The Hornets' Nest
Aug. 9th, 2024 06:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
1. Are you and your birth family close?
No. After college, I moved out of state, and I rarely hear from anyone in my family aside from my adoptive and birth mothers. Well, "rarely" is incorrect - it's actually "never."
2. How far away do you live from your various family members?
Most of my family lives in eastern Tennessee, I think. I was under the impression some live in Florida. Apparently one of my great grandmothers lived the later part of her life in Jacksonville and was shipped back to TN to be buried. I also thought I had heard some cousins live in Winter Park but I don't really know.
3. When was the last time you visited with relatives?
I don't remember exactly. I want to say maybe 2003? Definitely pre-Katrina.
4. Do your relatives travel to visit you?
LOL nope. I think Carolyn and Gina are the only ones who even know where I live.
5. How do you stay in touch with family: phone calls, email, snail mail, texts, other?
Text mostly. I'm awkward on the phone so I rarely call anyone unless it's necessary. Text or email are best for me. I frankly don't care if someone in my family wants me to call.
I used to think I had an entirely average, normal childhood, but lately I'm learning how not-normal things were. Processing all this is difficult. I'm grateful to finally be in a living situation where I feel secure, and while Fox doesn't personally understand some of the stuff I've been through, he's willing to listen. But I feel like I've set off one of those endlessly elaborate displays of falling dominoes by simply starting to ask a question of myself one day - "Why do I do that?" I don't like the answers I'm getting, but they make things make sense, even if I wish they weren't true.
If I'm asked directly, my answer is something like "oh, my childhood was fine. You know, the usual." This is because I can't remember a lot of it. I remember what I was reading, or what TV shows I followed, but not much about what I was actually doing. I tended to live inside my own head most of the time, which I'm told ... isn't really normal. I was mentally just checked out a lot. I didn't want to be at home, I didn't like school, I didn't have much of any place to go except inward. It was the same trapped feeling I had in Louisiana - I hated my job and didn't want to be at work, but I dreaded having to go home, and in between I didn't have many places I could be.
I doubt that I was an easy kid to raise, but I also feel like if you have a kid, and especially if you go out of your way to adopt one, you ought to be prepared for them to be individual humans. You can't force people to be the way you wish them to be. And when you don't even know what the hell you want from anyone, you can really screw up a kid who relies on you for their life.
No. After college, I moved out of state, and I rarely hear from anyone in my family aside from my adoptive and birth mothers. Well, "rarely" is incorrect - it's actually "never."
2. How far away do you live from your various family members?
Most of my family lives in eastern Tennessee, I think. I was under the impression some live in Florida. Apparently one of my great grandmothers lived the later part of her life in Jacksonville and was shipped back to TN to be buried. I also thought I had heard some cousins live in Winter Park but I don't really know.
3. When was the last time you visited with relatives?
I don't remember exactly. I want to say maybe 2003? Definitely pre-Katrina.
4. Do your relatives travel to visit you?
LOL nope. I think Carolyn and Gina are the only ones who even know where I live.
5. How do you stay in touch with family: phone calls, email, snail mail, texts, other?
Text mostly. I'm awkward on the phone so I rarely call anyone unless it's necessary. Text or email are best for me. I frankly don't care if someone in my family wants me to call.
I used to think I had an entirely average, normal childhood, but lately I'm learning how not-normal things were. Processing all this is difficult. I'm grateful to finally be in a living situation where I feel secure, and while Fox doesn't personally understand some of the stuff I've been through, he's willing to listen. But I feel like I've set off one of those endlessly elaborate displays of falling dominoes by simply starting to ask a question of myself one day - "Why do I do that?" I don't like the answers I'm getting, but they make things make sense, even if I wish they weren't true.
If I'm asked directly, my answer is something like "oh, my childhood was fine. You know, the usual." This is because I can't remember a lot of it. I remember what I was reading, or what TV shows I followed, but not much about what I was actually doing. I tended to live inside my own head most of the time, which I'm told ... isn't really normal. I was mentally just checked out a lot. I didn't want to be at home, I didn't like school, I didn't have much of any place to go except inward. It was the same trapped feeling I had in Louisiana - I hated my job and didn't want to be at work, but I dreaded having to go home, and in between I didn't have many places I could be.
I doubt that I was an easy kid to raise, but I also feel like if you have a kid, and especially if you go out of your way to adopt one, you ought to be prepared for them to be individual humans. You can't force people to be the way you wish them to be. And when you don't even know what the hell you want from anyone, you can really screw up a kid who relies on you for their life.
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Date: 2024-08-10 12:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-08-12 04:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-08-10 03:09 pm (UTC)This is one of the many reasons that I've opted to be child-free. I love the lifestyle I live and if I were to have a kid that had varying hobbies (they could hate farm life!), I would have to carve more time out of my day to curate their enrichment. I couldn't fault them for not loving the same things as myself, and to be a good parent, you need to make sure that your child is also able to express themselves with the things that fuel their passion.
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Date: 2024-08-12 04:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-08-10 11:10 pm (UTC)I'm so happy that you're in a secure environment with a caring partner. That helps soo much!
It's interesting you say that you can't remember a lot of your childhood. It makes me wonder exactly what trauma my husband has been through because he barely recalls anything. And the last time I was privy to an in-person convo with his dad & brothers, the stuff he thinks he remembers isn't accurate at all. Yet he stays far away from this. I know it takes great courage to look at the past. Sometimes it can be less painful not to examine it - in his case. However, due to my [newly realized] autism, I have a strong desire to understand people by looking at what they've been through. The examining definitely has many layers with lots of corresponding emotions. I think later in life is when many start doing the hard inner work & when questions start surfacing.
I think back to when we were kids, there was a different viewpoint on kid-raising. When we know better, we do better but back then I think a lot of adults were simply trying to survive life [which sometimes includes generational trauma]. I don't think there was an awareness that kids were actually different individuals but were someone to mold. I think we were more objectified. Not saying that as a defense but more to understand.
:hugs:
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Date: 2024-08-12 04:27 pm (UTC)But then I read a Reddit post talking about "room raids," and some pretty uncomfortable memories resurfaced. My mother did this every so often, especially as I became a teenager. I'd come home from school to find my room had been completely tossed. She didn't try to hide that she'd gone through every drawer, cabinet, etc. Now it was my job to clean up, since I was the one who "made her do it." I think she got even more angry when she never found any of the contraband I'm sure she was looking for.
I have always tried to understand why people do what they do as well - I wanted to study psychology when I went to college, but my mother talked me out of it. I felt like I was a step behind everyone else so perhaps psychology held the promise of sharing the memo with me that everyone else got and I didn't. Fox shares that curiosity with me and we sometimes make jokes about it, talking about people we see out in public like we're narrating a nature documentary.
I do know our family had a lot of generational trauma. I realize the woman who raised me had a traumatic childhood herself, and I try to create some mental space for that. But I also remember that she'd make fun of my birth mother and other family members for seeking therapy and my ability to have compassion starts getting *really* strained. She'd have benefited from therapy herself, but that would also require her to admit she isn't perfect. I don't know ... *shrugs broadly*
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Date: 2024-08-12 10:06 pm (UTC)I didn't even know the right way to do it myself when I knew my kids were hiding something. Each time I did go through their things, I did find what I was looking for but I left everything as I found it.
Yes, I actually set out to study psychology in college myself! But at that time I didn't have the curiosity that I do now. It was some sort of innate desire that I couldn't even articulate. I was applying for a scholarship I believe. When asked what area I wanted to study, that's what I put. I didn't get the scholarship. In fact, I really had no idea what subject matter I wanted to study so I was simply floating. That's why in part I quit. [The other thing was my personal life was a complete mess. The little focus I had, I lost. I had the wherewithal to not continue & just focus on work & surviving. Funny how little else has changed in my life except that I did away with work completely & the thought now sends me into a panic, especially knowing that's precisely my only key for escape. Essentially FML.]
I'm curious though, what field of study did you go into? That's a shame your mother talked you out of a path you wanted to travel.
Yes!! This is so me also!
We also have to remember that therapy wasn't as accepted as it is today. Going meant that something was wrong with a person that either they couldn't successfully hide or fix themselves. It was admitting weakness or a flaw.
Also, her making fun was a way to deflect so no one would look at her & think the same thing.
It's difficult when we look back & see things in our families of origin that clearly needed work. It's also challenging being in the thick of it & trying to survive. It's not 'til later in life that we start to receive some clarity. I'll use myself as an example. I was so focused on just trying to survive when I was raising my kids that I didn't have it in me to be nurturing & such. Now I see the problems they have not only within themselves but also in the way they raise their kids. That's just a simplified generalization.
In my recent revelation, I'm coming to realize that all along I've been autistic. I also read that many neurodivergents go into psychology because we have such a need to understand why things & people are the way they are; to make sense of our own lives. The thought of me being autistic never crossed my mind. It wasn't til just recently that The Universe started showing me things then suddenly all the puzzle pieces of my life started to finally make a complete picture. But since it wasn't a thing when I was growing up, I missed out on all the help & now I have no idea where to even turn to get it because here I am a 52 yo woman who somehow got through my whole life up to now without accommodations - only because I was simply trying to survive. And in doing that I've subconsciously been watching people & trying to mirror my life from theirs because I never had an innate sense of how to do things. And I still lack verbiage for how to articulate everything.
Another thing the last therapist said to me was that the age of 55 seems to be the average age of 'disclosure'. I interpreted that to also mean we suddenly become enlightened [in a sense] & our life story comes together in a more complete picture. Maybe this is the time in life when we are best to see the full story.
I don't know if any of this is making sense to you lol :P I'm terrible at effectively communicating things. I'm just so happy that we can talk about these things :)
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Date: 2024-08-13 01:40 pm (UTC)Being out of the house has at least allowed me to see that my mother's behavior wasn't just me. I grew up thinking she hated me, and that all her anger and irritation was my own fault. But I couldn't figure out what I was doing, and it seemed like everyone else hated me, too, so I must be the defective one. I can easily see why we butted heads so much. That doesn't mean I want to go back and try to make amends or talk to her or anything, I know she won't have changed and there will still be all the blaming and vitriol. Understanding why she was the way she was is important to me, but mainly as a way to untangle my own knots and try to be a better human.
Recently I read an exchange online where a young woman was posting that her older brother said their family was abusive, and she was questioning that. She did say that when she was alone, she was able to relax but that she tensed up and became anxious around her mother. Someone responded that "you brother and your own nervous system know the truth." And that was a huge wake-up for me, as I remember cherishing any time I had to be alone and how I was able to just chill and be happy, and how that evaporated the moment I knew my mom was around. Moving several states away after college was like being able to take full, deep breaths again. I wanted nothing more than to be *away* from her, and I'm pretty sure she knew that on some level.
I'm glad to see things like therapy being much more widely accepted. It can benefit in a lot of ways and the whole idea that mental health is shameful, or not even "real" is just bizarre to me.
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Date: 2024-08-14 11:46 pm (UTC)A lot of people don't need an official diagnosis at this stage in life. If you do ever get curious, https://embrace-autism.com/ is an excellent resource. I've also discovered that a person can be both ADHD & autistic: AuDHD ;)
I've found a psychologist on Instagram who specializes in working with late-realized & diagnosed females. I soo want to pay her $2k to do my assessment. If I had my own money, it would be no question.
As women/girls, we are excellent maskers. That's how I realized how much of my life has been spent masking. Now I don't really know who I am - which is another common thing.
I always knew there was something different about me. I just thought it was because I was an only child & I didn't have a lot of socialization, thus few skills.
Oh & another thing - neurodivergence is usually genetic.
Anyway, being on the spectrum is just that - everyone is different yet so much is the same & relatable. If you decide you'd like to join an FB group, I can share with you the one I'm in.
I can relate to this too but in a different way. Last year when I was experiencing burnout, I'd be somewhat ok during the day but whenever my husband was around, my nervous system went haywire. I'm still trying to ignore the flashing red warnings it's giving me & learn to live with it for now - not a very easy task.
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Date: 2024-08-13 06:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-08-14 09:22 pm (UTC)I used to tell people I was majoring in English but I had no plan & I 100% did not want to teach.
Oh & btw, happy birthday!! I hope you have an amazing day!