Never Let Me Go
Jul. 1st, 2024 09:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pshaw_ravenI'm putting most of this entry behind a cut, because it's full of angst and drama, and you might not want to have to deal with reading it right now. That's fine, and I'm not saying that in a passive-aggressive manner. But to give you a quick rundown in case you want to know what's up - I haven't talked a lot about my family here because I don't interact with them very much. I feel like I "ought" to be concerned and keep in touch with them and want to see them but I can't seem to find two fucks to rub together to start a fuckfire. It turns out this attitude is considered pretty normal for people who were adopted, as they don't often form strong attachments to anyone as babies. I was adopted by my maternal grandparents when I was born, as in they took me home from the hospital. I had never really concerned myself with "adopted kid problems" because I assumed since I was part of a kinship adoption and remained with my family, that stuff didn't apply to me.
I think a lot of the Big Emotions I've been having stem from finally putting names to the things I felt but didn't pay much attention to, or misinterpreted. And from reading interviews with adult adoptees who are saying, in some cases, precisely the same things I've said myself. It's knowing that the emotional turmoil isn't just me being a bad person, an unfeeling freak, or over-reacting and being dramatic. It's normal to have these feelings in a situation that is not normal.
I sometimes wondered why I never seemed to feel any bond with my adoptive mom. Sure, I was sort of attached to her and dad but I didn't seem to have any deep loving feelings,and I felt sort of angry and bitter about not having that relationship with her. Part of it is likely on me, I doubt I was a very affectionate baby/child. Part of it is on her, though. I remember mainly feeling afraid of her and wanting to avoid interacting with her, and from a very early age I fantasized about leaving home or any situation where I was on my own without parents.
And I'm just pissed off about a lot of it. I didn't find out until I was 14, though adoptive mom swears "I told you when you were little, you just forgot." She loves telling me how forgetful I am, and how stupid. She also enjoyed telling me I was the most dishonest, and biggest liar, which is rich coming from someone who lied to me about literally my entire existence. As an adult I came to realize she projected, hard, a lot, onto almost everyone. I wasn't the only one catching this kind of shit from her. Anyway, I'm just ... relieved in a lot of ways to have words to describe what has been going on with me, and to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do.
I would normally have called bullshit on the thing about babies bonding with their mothers in utero, but they had a chance to study the same kind of problems in infants that had to go into NICU at birth and couldn't be with their mom for the first weeks of their lives. So you're just inside there, feeling what she feels, hearing her voice and heartbeat, and experiencing a lot of what she experiences. And I guess if she's planning to surrender you or is feeling forced into giving you up, then you're privy to the stress and anxiety as well. Hello generalized anxiety disorder.
It's something I have to work through on my own, and some of the issues may never actually be resolved, but it's a relief just to feel these things and be able to name them. The weird, floating pieces of my life find a place to settle. It explains why I kept thinking my parents were one day going to unzip their skins and emerge as alien life forms, or why I wondered if I was actually a wild animal they'd taken in and tried to tame. (Furry origin story) It helps explain the persistent feeling of not belonging anywhere, wanting to fit in and belong, but also avoiding doing anything where I might need to be around other people.
This would be the sort of thing I'd need to go on a long run to start really working through, but it's too damn hot to run long right now. Maybe this weekend I can get out at dawn. The treadmill just doesn't cut it.
One of my least favorite holidays is coming up and I know it's far too much to ask, but I always hold out hope that people will quit setting fireworks off.
I also found a good workaround for my need to fidget with and worry at things made of soft silicone - I bought some of those silicone Enso rings. I can fidget with one of those to my heart's content. I have a rose-gold/copper one that, oddly enough, seems to blend in with my skin, and a glittery green/purple color called "dragon." I might get a thicker band for my thumb, as I've always liked wearing thumb rings. I just quit wearing rings of any type during the early days of Covid because they made handwashing annoying.
I think a lot of the Big Emotions I've been having stem from finally putting names to the things I felt but didn't pay much attention to, or misinterpreted. And from reading interviews with adult adoptees who are saying, in some cases, precisely the same things I've said myself. It's knowing that the emotional turmoil isn't just me being a bad person, an unfeeling freak, or over-reacting and being dramatic. It's normal to have these feelings in a situation that is not normal.
I sometimes wondered why I never seemed to feel any bond with my adoptive mom. Sure, I was sort of attached to her and dad but I didn't seem to have any deep loving feelings,and I felt sort of angry and bitter about not having that relationship with her. Part of it is likely on me, I doubt I was a very affectionate baby/child. Part of it is on her, though. I remember mainly feeling afraid of her and wanting to avoid interacting with her, and from a very early age I fantasized about leaving home or any situation where I was on my own without parents.
And I'm just pissed off about a lot of it. I didn't find out until I was 14, though adoptive mom swears "I told you when you were little, you just forgot." She loves telling me how forgetful I am, and how stupid. She also enjoyed telling me I was the most dishonest, and biggest liar, which is rich coming from someone who lied to me about literally my entire existence. As an adult I came to realize she projected, hard, a lot, onto almost everyone. I wasn't the only one catching this kind of shit from her. Anyway, I'm just ... relieved in a lot of ways to have words to describe what has been going on with me, and to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do.
I would normally have called bullshit on the thing about babies bonding with their mothers in utero, but they had a chance to study the same kind of problems in infants that had to go into NICU at birth and couldn't be with their mom for the first weeks of their lives. So you're just inside there, feeling what she feels, hearing her voice and heartbeat, and experiencing a lot of what she experiences. And I guess if she's planning to surrender you or is feeling forced into giving you up, then you're privy to the stress and anxiety as well. Hello generalized anxiety disorder.
It's something I have to work through on my own, and some of the issues may never actually be resolved, but it's a relief just to feel these things and be able to name them. The weird, floating pieces of my life find a place to settle. It explains why I kept thinking my parents were one day going to unzip their skins and emerge as alien life forms, or why I wondered if I was actually a wild animal they'd taken in and tried to tame. (Furry origin story) It helps explain the persistent feeling of not belonging anywhere, wanting to fit in and belong, but also avoiding doing anything where I might need to be around other people.
This would be the sort of thing I'd need to go on a long run to start really working through, but it's too damn hot to run long right now. Maybe this weekend I can get out at dawn. The treadmill just doesn't cut it.
One of my least favorite holidays is coming up and I know it's far too much to ask, but I always hold out hope that people will quit setting fireworks off.
I also found a good workaround for my need to fidget with and worry at things made of soft silicone - I bought some of those silicone Enso rings. I can fidget with one of those to my heart's content. I have a rose-gold/copper one that, oddly enough, seems to blend in with my skin, and a glittery green/purple color called "dragon." I might get a thicker band for my thumb, as I've always liked wearing thumb rings. I just quit wearing rings of any type during the early days of Covid because they made handwashing annoying.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-02 07:13 pm (UTC)