Further Down the Spiral
Dec. 26th, 2018 10:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pshaw_ravenMy holidays were kind of busy and stressful but on the whole not TOO bad. We spent the day yesterday at Fox's parents' house in Orlando where we stayed overnight. His parents (well, his mom) is a "health vegan" so she eats and serves mostly plant-based foods, but she did have a pre-made salad that was amazingly good, only it had dairy in the dressing. I know this because I spent all afternoon farting and my face is all broken out. But man that salad was good - I think I can recreate it with cashew yogurt as a dressing.
Speaking of which, one of my gifts this year was a veggie spiralizer, which I intend to try out this evening or tomorrow. I am still not, nor will I ever be a low-carber, but veggie noodles are a great way to get more plants in one's diet. My first test recipe with it is parsnip noodles with kale and vegan chorizo. The original recipe called for broccolini, or substitute broccoli florets - and I'm not big on the taste of the one, or the leftover qualities of the other. So, kale.
It's very weird to me to do "family stuff." It also feels weird to me when people are happy to see me or want to talk to me. I wasn't an abused child or anything - I just felt very alienated, I guess is a good word. Like I was constantly in trouble at home or school, I thought my parents hated me, I knew for a fact the other kids hated me, they'd tell me so. I was the disposable friend in my friend group, if they needed to lose a kid or two for an activity I was the one to go. I eventually stopped putting any effort in making myself likable or trying to fit in, I mean, why bother, right? Being an adult is different in a lot of ways, but there is often still that holdover sense of, "I shouldn't be here, these people are just tolerating me and they'll be happier if I go away. I'm always the turd in the punchbowl anyway." I'm also aware that no one actually had a happy childhood or has a happy family, and that's all a lot of sentimental marketing slop.
As you can see I am having a lot of trouble fighting my mind today.
On a more upbeat note, today I learned that whales have vestigial legs inside their bodies. This image amuses me because I can imagine their tiny internal feet paddling furiously as they swim.
Speaking of which, one of my gifts this year was a veggie spiralizer, which I intend to try out this evening or tomorrow. I am still not, nor will I ever be a low-carber, but veggie noodles are a great way to get more plants in one's diet. My first test recipe with it is parsnip noodles with kale and vegan chorizo. The original recipe called for broccolini, or substitute broccoli florets - and I'm not big on the taste of the one, or the leftover qualities of the other. So, kale.
It's very weird to me to do "family stuff." It also feels weird to me when people are happy to see me or want to talk to me. I wasn't an abused child or anything - I just felt very alienated, I guess is a good word. Like I was constantly in trouble at home or school, I thought my parents hated me, I knew for a fact the other kids hated me, they'd tell me so. I was the disposable friend in my friend group, if they needed to lose a kid or two for an activity I was the one to go. I eventually stopped putting any effort in making myself likable or trying to fit in, I mean, why bother, right? Being an adult is different in a lot of ways, but there is often still that holdover sense of, "I shouldn't be here, these people are just tolerating me and they'll be happier if I go away. I'm always the turd in the punchbowl anyway." I'm also aware that no one actually had a happy childhood or has a happy family, and that's all a lot of sentimental marketing slop.
As you can see I am having a lot of trouble fighting my mind today.
On a more upbeat note, today I learned that whales have vestigial legs inside their bodies. This image amuses me because I can imagine their tiny internal feet paddling furiously as they swim.
Re: relatable <3
Date: 2018-12-28 04:14 pm (UTC)I've become a lot happier since we downsized the holidays. Kitty used to adore Christmas, and everyone else was expected to be as excited and happy about it as she was, so I spent most of the month inwardly groaning and dying. Nothing like mandatory fun, huh? I think most holidays any more are really for children - there's no meaning left in them, unless you put the effort in to make your own meaning. It's all just capitalism now.
I was definitely the black sheep as far as my dad's side of the family was concerned - I never quite figured out why they didn't like me. My mom's side liked me just fine and a lot of them were very kind to me as a child. Go figure.
Re: relatable <3
Date: 2018-12-28 07:20 pm (UTC)I agree, the holidays have turned into something else entirely.
it's a shame, because, when I was a child, I remember it still had some meaning.
no one in my family liked me once I turned about 12 years old, and grew a mind of my own.
it was mother's family, I never got to know my dad's side.
<3