Further Down the Spiral
Dec. 26th, 2018 10:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pshaw_ravenMy holidays were kind of busy and stressful but on the whole not TOO bad. We spent the day yesterday at Fox's parents' house in Orlando where we stayed overnight. His parents (well, his mom) is a "health vegan" so she eats and serves mostly plant-based foods, but she did have a pre-made salad that was amazingly good, only it had dairy in the dressing. I know this because I spent all afternoon farting and my face is all broken out. But man that salad was good - I think I can recreate it with cashew yogurt as a dressing.
Speaking of which, one of my gifts this year was a veggie spiralizer, which I intend to try out this evening or tomorrow. I am still not, nor will I ever be a low-carber, but veggie noodles are a great way to get more plants in one's diet. My first test recipe with it is parsnip noodles with kale and vegan chorizo. The original recipe called for broccolini, or substitute broccoli florets - and I'm not big on the taste of the one, or the leftover qualities of the other. So, kale.
It's very weird to me to do "family stuff." It also feels weird to me when people are happy to see me or want to talk to me. I wasn't an abused child or anything - I just felt very alienated, I guess is a good word. Like I was constantly in trouble at home or school, I thought my parents hated me, I knew for a fact the other kids hated me, they'd tell me so. I was the disposable friend in my friend group, if they needed to lose a kid or two for an activity I was the one to go. I eventually stopped putting any effort in making myself likable or trying to fit in, I mean, why bother, right? Being an adult is different in a lot of ways, but there is often still that holdover sense of, "I shouldn't be here, these people are just tolerating me and they'll be happier if I go away. I'm always the turd in the punchbowl anyway." I'm also aware that no one actually had a happy childhood or has a happy family, and that's all a lot of sentimental marketing slop.
As you can see I am having a lot of trouble fighting my mind today.
On a more upbeat note, today I learned that whales have vestigial legs inside their bodies. This image amuses me because I can imagine their tiny internal feet paddling furiously as they swim.
Speaking of which, one of my gifts this year was a veggie spiralizer, which I intend to try out this evening or tomorrow. I am still not, nor will I ever be a low-carber, but veggie noodles are a great way to get more plants in one's diet. My first test recipe with it is parsnip noodles with kale and vegan chorizo. The original recipe called for broccolini, or substitute broccoli florets - and I'm not big on the taste of the one, or the leftover qualities of the other. So, kale.
It's very weird to me to do "family stuff." It also feels weird to me when people are happy to see me or want to talk to me. I wasn't an abused child or anything - I just felt very alienated, I guess is a good word. Like I was constantly in trouble at home or school, I thought my parents hated me, I knew for a fact the other kids hated me, they'd tell me so. I was the disposable friend in my friend group, if they needed to lose a kid or two for an activity I was the one to go. I eventually stopped putting any effort in making myself likable or trying to fit in, I mean, why bother, right? Being an adult is different in a lot of ways, but there is often still that holdover sense of, "I shouldn't be here, these people are just tolerating me and they'll be happier if I go away. I'm always the turd in the punchbowl anyway." I'm also aware that no one actually had a happy childhood or has a happy family, and that's all a lot of sentimental marketing slop.
As you can see I am having a lot of trouble fighting my mind today.
On a more upbeat note, today I learned that whales have vestigial legs inside their bodies. This image amuses me because I can imagine their tiny internal feet paddling furiously as they swim.
no subject
Date: 2018-12-28 03:16 pm (UTC)Sometimes I feel like my life is one long episode of "why didn't anyone ever tell me this, and how did everyone else find out?" My parents used to brush that off by saying that since I was considered a gifted child, they assumed I'd figure it out on my own, but I'm coming to think that when adults do that to kids, it's basically laziness. Oh, you're a gifted child? Good, then we won't bother actually trying to teach you anything, and it can be your own fault when you don't learn.
no subject
Date: 2018-12-28 06:44 pm (UTC)Now that sounds familiar too. I didn't get hit with the "gifted child" bit so much as the "Indigo children" fad. I was a little too smart and independently bookish, but mostly just weird, and my obsession with fantasy and dragons in particular was the nail in the coffin I think. It definitely sounds like laziness to me. Some parents have too much of their ego tied up in their kids that they can't imagine those kids needing regular developmental help like everyone else.