The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

I just saw that I wrote an entire post last week and never sent it. I've deleted it now, but I feel a bit dense, LOL. We got home with head colds - probably head colds, anyway - and they seem to be relentless. I've been sick since the first of May. This sucks, I'm tired of being tired, and I'm annoyed that I'm missing the last few cool mornings until November. I'm used to being able to push myself, but I'm not sure what to push or in which direction. "Listen to your body"? The signals change every few hours. I just want this over with.

Anyway. The only thing I've felt much like doing besides reading is gaming. I'm almost through Environmental Station Alpha. I'm in the post-game where things get both more challenging and more unhinged. There's a spike maze that you get through by using your dash, and I haven't managed that yet. It's not quite as bad as the cannon challenge in Owlboy but it's testing my button mashing abilities.

I also bought a Kingdom Hearts bundle on sale, which apparently has the first two games and a set of ... is it DLC? There may actually be seven games here. Fox wanted this series as well, and I decided to get it when I found Disney hadn't made any dick moves like "family sharing disabled." I'm literally just starting out with this franchise, though I've been curious about it for ... omg two decades. I've made it to the Olympic Coliseum, and the Deep Jungle. I noticed I've been picking up special moves I can swap out, and I wonder if I'll earn move slots for those, and for equipment.

The Zucchini Singularity has begun here, and I have a grocery bag of squash to turn into bread, muffins, and stir fry. The cherry tomato plant in my garden that randomly started up Leeroy Jenkins style in a cinder block has flowers on it now. We've gotten almost three inches of rain this month, so the sand road is much better, which I would enjoy a great deal if I felt well enough to go for a run.

I managed to tidy up my writing space, so perhaps when my brain isn't clogged with mucus I can do some of that. Dhhieofjkdnjdkfslfl

(no subject)

This is a fairly long read on childhood trauma and shame, that actually names and describes something I've felt but couldn't articulate. "Atmospheric shame," or the general, pervasive sense of shame at just existing.

This weekend was also rough because of the holiday. I hate Mother's Day and have for a long time. I'm exhausted from being pulled from trying to be empathetic, to being angry, to feeling lost, to just plain confused. I still don't understand why someone would go through the trouble to adopt a kid and then make them feel like shit for being alive. She wasn't doing the best she could, she was deliberately taking her own pain and frustration out on someone who couldn't defend themselves, or even understand WTF was going on. And as much as I do want to be empathetic and understanding, I'm furious at being used.

There's also this passage from a different article, which feels like it sums my childhood experience up so neatly.

"Dr. Sherrie (Campbell) stresses that the way abusers operate, doling out small doses of kindness interspersed with long bouts of abuse, keeps their victims stuck in a state of relentless hope, seesawing endlessly between the deep suffering of parental rejection and the naive hope that things will eventually change. Dr. Campbell points out that it should not be surprising when this type of emotional torture leads to feelings of hate. She maintains that hate for one’s abusive parents should be looked at as a natural and potentially crucial part of the healing process."

Gestures of kindness or generosity became something I was deeply suspicious of, but I still drank them up whenever one came my way, feeling like an idiot the entire time. I spent most of my life wondering what was wrong with me that made me hate her so much, when it seemed like everyone else had these close, warm relationships with their moms. Of course I think that was one of the goals - to make me feel like it was my fault.