Fear & Loathing
Feb. 15th, 2020 07:06 amI spent much of yesterday dealing with a massive anxiety attack and then a crash into a brief depression - something I haven't done in a long time and don't miss at all. Considering that it used to be my normal state of being (get anxiety, panic, crash out, be depressed, roused from depressive state by something else fearful and anxious, repeat) I'm not entirely sure how I managed to even survive. It of course mainly has to do with medical issues. I stupidly started testing my blood glucose again, and of course, it's "high" all the time, and I very quickly spiraled into being convinced I was going to have both feet amputated and wind up dying alone in my gangrene-bloated prison of a rotting body. Today my attitude is more like they can put me on a continuous glucose monitor if they want to and see that while I "ride high" I don't spike or crash. My readings are higher than what a medical textbook would say is appropriate for a human being, but they always fall within about a 30 or 40 point range. For example, I ate a bowl of stir fry with white rice, and when I took a two-hour post-food reading, it was up a whole 15 points. I just dread having to be put on insulin, and I'm not sure what else I could possibly do to improve my diet. I certainly can't lose any more weight. Yes, I could probably stop having gels and energy bars on long runs, but they are literally designed to provide quick-access sugars to endurance athletes. I am going to stop my weekly donut when I go out, and I guess this means no more cinnamon rolls or cupcakes at Disney.
But I also should probably stand up for myself a little more. I don't know - all I really want is to get appointments over with and get out. I feel good. Up until yesterday, I felt healthier and happier than I have in a long time, and the notion that I'm actually not healthy at all is rather devastating. I have put so much effort and energy into getting "healthy," and now it feels like I've done everything wrong. Maybe when I get that blood draw it won't show anything abnormal. Looking over lab results for the past three years, each year has seen improvements across the board. I don't know - I just want to be prepared for a fight. When was the last time one of these little twits ran 26 miles? I train like an athlete, fuel like one, and I'd like to be treated like one, even if it's not what I do "for a living."
Anyway, pretty sure no one came here to read about my agony over something that hasn't even happened yet, and potentially might not ever happen. Sorry 'bout that, y'all.
Fox has more or less offered to build me a chin-up bar, and has suggested mounting a climbing rope in the garage. We can run one over the central rafter and I'll just need to find a landing pad to put under it. I never did the rope climb in gym class in school, mostly because our gym classes were garbage and they always wanted us to play team sports. Mostly volleyball, which I've come to despise.
I've got two of the cats sleeping on me right now. It's cool again - 41 when I got up - and we have a little fire burning. They're all freezing to death, of course, so they need to pile up on me. Which would be fine if my foot weren't asleep and I had a fresh cup of coffee. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to disturb some kitties.
But I also should probably stand up for myself a little more. I don't know - all I really want is to get appointments over with and get out. I feel good. Up until yesterday, I felt healthier and happier than I have in a long time, and the notion that I'm actually not healthy at all is rather devastating. I have put so much effort and energy into getting "healthy," and now it feels like I've done everything wrong. Maybe when I get that blood draw it won't show anything abnormal. Looking over lab results for the past three years, each year has seen improvements across the board. I don't know - I just want to be prepared for a fight. When was the last time one of these little twits ran 26 miles? I train like an athlete, fuel like one, and I'd like to be treated like one, even if it's not what I do "for a living."
Anyway, pretty sure no one came here to read about my agony over something that hasn't even happened yet, and potentially might not ever happen. Sorry 'bout that, y'all.
Fox has more or less offered to build me a chin-up bar, and has suggested mounting a climbing rope in the garage. We can run one over the central rafter and I'll just need to find a landing pad to put under it. I never did the rope climb in gym class in school, mostly because our gym classes were garbage and they always wanted us to play team sports. Mostly volleyball, which I've come to despise.
I've got two of the cats sleeping on me right now. It's cool again - 41 when I got up - and we have a little fire burning. They're all freezing to death, of course, so they need to pile up on me. Which would be fine if my foot weren't asleep and I had a fresh cup of coffee. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to disturb some kitties.