Back to the Respawn Point
May. 25th, 2017 08:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pshaw_ravenOver the last four days, we've received 4.52" rain. That's more than we've gotten all year, total, and if Florida stays true to form, summer will continue being rainy, or at least I hope it will. The wildfire situation was getting scary. When you're down to warning people about tossing cigarette butts, you know everything is tinder-dry and can go up at the least thing.
So yesterday I got my follow up scan and ultrasound, but they don't seem to have any brainiacs on staff at the imaging place, and said they'd have a radiologist read it, then send the results to my doctor. So I'm the last person in this chain who gets to find out what's going on. And if my boob didn't hurt before, it does now, though that's partly the ultrasound and partly psychosomatic. Other anxiety-provoking elements are becoming less of a perceived threat so I'm finally able to do things like, oh you know. Sleep through the night and wake up refreshed. Eat food. Be productive instead of nervously poking at the internet all day.
I mean, obviously we're all still in a hell of a mess that's only getting worse as each day passes. But it's good to be able to function.
Like this morning, I slept through my Fitbit alarm and woke up at 8. You have to push the button in it twice to dismiss the alarm, so I obviously did this in my sleep. All my good habits have gone by the wayside, so I declare today an Official Respawn. Today I'm going to get a three mile run, do a simplified strength training routine (since I haven't done it much in the last few weeks and don't want to hurt myself), and do some meal prep so we have breakfasts and maybe some lunch for me, though I still have tuna & white beans in the fridge. I can't change what the test results will be, no matter how much my Anxiety Brain says that if I just concentrate hard enough on the worst possible outcome, it might not happen. And then it finds a way to make the worst outcome even worse.
A few weeks ago, I read an interesting short article about some anxiety research, and I wish I'd followed up and found the study. Anyway, this person was saying that we know that anxiety disorders spring from a certain way your brain is hard-coded from birth. It can't make the fine distinction between something benign and something that is a threat, so it tends to respond to everything as a threat. (This is just very broad strokes.) They found that this is partly true, but there's also a strong nurture component. Childhood experiences and interactions have to potential to either dial back these responses, or exacerbate them. Getting beyond infancy, bad experiences in starting school have to power to start writing the "everything will kill you" program some of us run on.
Tomorrow Fox and I may head to Palatka (voluntarily) to the Blue Crab Festival. I don't think I've been to this since I first moved here and we went with Kitty. Anyway, it'll be a fun opportunity to stuff myself stupid with crabmeat.
Also out my bedroom window I can see a ground dove and blue jay hunting bugs. Last weekend we ground out some tree stumps and this weekend we may try to get the concrete pilings in for the back deck. Not sure how that's going to go, weather-wise, but we may have clear skies for a little while.
I need to get my custom mood theme loaded, and I probably need some angry userpics. I didn't use a lot of my old LJ pics - I have some, but a lot of it feels like its from a different era and doesn't really fit anymore.
So yesterday I got my follow up scan and ultrasound, but they don't seem to have any brainiacs on staff at the imaging place, and said they'd have a radiologist read it, then send the results to my doctor. So I'm the last person in this chain who gets to find out what's going on. And if my boob didn't hurt before, it does now, though that's partly the ultrasound and partly psychosomatic. Other anxiety-provoking elements are becoming less of a perceived threat so I'm finally able to do things like, oh you know. Sleep through the night and wake up refreshed. Eat food. Be productive instead of nervously poking at the internet all day.
I mean, obviously we're all still in a hell of a mess that's only getting worse as each day passes. But it's good to be able to function.
Like this morning, I slept through my Fitbit alarm and woke up at 8. You have to push the button in it twice to dismiss the alarm, so I obviously did this in my sleep. All my good habits have gone by the wayside, so I declare today an Official Respawn. Today I'm going to get a three mile run, do a simplified strength training routine (since I haven't done it much in the last few weeks and don't want to hurt myself), and do some meal prep so we have breakfasts and maybe some lunch for me, though I still have tuna & white beans in the fridge. I can't change what the test results will be, no matter how much my Anxiety Brain says that if I just concentrate hard enough on the worst possible outcome, it might not happen. And then it finds a way to make the worst outcome even worse.
A few weeks ago, I read an interesting short article about some anxiety research, and I wish I'd followed up and found the study. Anyway, this person was saying that we know that anxiety disorders spring from a certain way your brain is hard-coded from birth. It can't make the fine distinction between something benign and something that is a threat, so it tends to respond to everything as a threat. (This is just very broad strokes.) They found that this is partly true, but there's also a strong nurture component. Childhood experiences and interactions have to potential to either dial back these responses, or exacerbate them. Getting beyond infancy, bad experiences in starting school have to power to start writing the "everything will kill you" program some of us run on.
Tomorrow Fox and I may head to Palatka (voluntarily) to the Blue Crab Festival. I don't think I've been to this since I first moved here and we went with Kitty. Anyway, it'll be a fun opportunity to stuff myself stupid with crabmeat.
Also out my bedroom window I can see a ground dove and blue jay hunting bugs. Last weekend we ground out some tree stumps and this weekend we may try to get the concrete pilings in for the back deck. Not sure how that's going to go, weather-wise, but we may have clear skies for a little while.
I need to get my custom mood theme loaded, and I probably need some angry userpics. I didn't use a lot of my old LJ pics - I have some, but a lot of it feels like its from a different era and doesn't really fit anymore.
yay for rain !
Date: 2017-05-25 05:13 pm (UTC)Re: yay for rain !
Date: 2017-06-01 07:03 pm (UTC)Re: yay for rain !
Date: 2017-06-01 08:51 pm (UTC)tricky & messy! :P
no subject
Date: 2017-05-26 05:20 am (UTC)Sounds like a good plan you have to 'respawn' and get back to the healthy changes you were making before the health scare, even though it's still pending. It's the best thing you can do for now, no matter the outcome.
no subject
Date: 2017-06-01 07:02 pm (UTC)I don't know if I mentioned it but we even moved the old weight bench into the same room as the treadmill, so we have a nifty little home gym going! The weight bench is almost ten years old, and it was kinda cheapo when it was purchased at Walmart. It's spent most of its life as a cat bed and a place to stack boxes.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-26 10:24 am (UTC)Anxiety is a tough one.
no subject
Date: 2017-06-01 06:59 pm (UTC)It is rough, you're right. *sighs* Stupid brain ...
no subject
Date: 2017-06-02 01:23 pm (UTC)Yeah - crazy brain doesnt seem to recognise the difference between stepping onto a crowded train and being chased by a lion some days..