Never Let Me Go

[pshaw_raven]

I'm putting most of this entry behind a cut, because it's full of angst and drama, and you might not want to have to deal with reading it right now. That's fine, and I'm not saying that in a passive-aggressive manner. But to give you a quick rundown in case you want to know what's up - I haven't talked a lot about my family here because I don't interact with them very much. I feel like I "ought" to be concerned and keep in touch with them and want to see them but I can't seem to find two fucks to rub together to start a fuckfire. It turns out this attitude is considered pretty normal for people who were adopted, as they don't often form strong attachments to anyone as babies. I was adopted by my maternal grandparents when I was born, as in they took me home from the hospital. I had never really concerned myself with "adopted kid problems" because I assumed since I was part of a kinship adoption and remained with my family, that stuff didn't apply to me.


I think a lot of the Big Emotions I've been having stem from finally putting names to the things I felt but didn't pay much attention to, or misinterpreted. And from reading interviews with adult adoptees who are saying, in some cases, precisely the same things I've said myself. It's knowing that the emotional turmoil isn't just me being a bad person, an unfeeling freak, or over-reacting and being dramatic. It's normal to have these feelings in a situation that is not normal.

I sometimes wondered why I never seemed to feel any bond with my adoptive mom. Sure, I was sort of attached to her and dad but I didn't seem to have any deep loving feelings,and I felt sort of angry and bitter about not having that relationship with her. Part of it is likely on me, I doubt I was a very affectionate baby/child. Part of it is on her, though. I remember mainly feeling afraid of her and wanting to avoid interacting with her, and from a very early age I fantasized about leaving home or any situation where I was on my own without parents.

And I'm just pissed off about a lot of it. I didn't find out until I was 14, though adoptive mom swears "I told you when you were little, you just forgot." She loves telling me how forgetful I am, and how stupid. She also enjoyed telling me I was the most dishonest, and biggest liar, which is rich coming from someone who lied to me about literally my entire existence. As an adult I came to realize she projected, hard, a lot, onto almost everyone. I wasn't the only one catching this kind of shit from her. Anyway, I'm just ... relieved in a lot of ways to have words to describe what has been going on with me, and to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do.

I would normally have called bullshit on the thing about babies bonding with their mothers in utero, but they had a chance to study the same kind of problems in infants that had to go into NICU at birth and couldn't be with their mom for the first weeks of their lives. So you're just inside there, feeling what she feels, hearing her voice and heartbeat, and experiencing a lot of what she experiences. And I guess if she's planning to surrender you or is feeling forced into giving you up, then you're privy to the stress and anxiety as well. Hello generalized anxiety disorder.

It's something I have to work through on my own, and some of the issues may never actually be resolved, but it's a relief just to feel these things and be able to name them. The weird, floating pieces of my life find a place to settle. It explains why I kept thinking my parents were one day going to unzip their skins and emerge as alien life forms, or why I wondered if I was actually a wild animal they'd taken in and tried to tame. (Furry origin story) It helps explain the persistent feeling of not belonging anywhere, wanting to fit in and belong, but also avoiding doing anything where I might need to be around other people.

This would be the sort of thing I'd need to go on a long run to start really working through, but it's too damn hot to run long right now. Maybe this weekend I can get out at dawn. The treadmill just doesn't cut it.


One of my least favorite holidays is coming up and I know it's far too much to ask, but I always hold out hope that people will quit setting fireworks off.

I also found a good workaround for my need to fidget with and worry at things made of soft silicone - I bought some of those silicone Enso rings. I can fidget with one of those to my heart's content. I have a rose-gold/copper one that, oddly enough, seems to blend in with my skin, and a glittery green/purple color called "dragon." I might get a thicker band for my thumb, as I've always liked wearing thumb rings. I just quit wearing rings of any type during the early days of Covid because they made handwashing annoying.

Comments

[theradicalchild]

I think I would have been far better off growing up with a foster family all my life instead of my own biological family, because the treatment I received from my own immediate blood relatives was unparalleled barbarism. They absolutely refuse to ever admit they hurt me, never apologize, invalidate everything I say, and totally refuse to see me as a grown, capable adult. The kicker is, my parents have known autism was a thing since I was diagnosed a year or so after I was born, but their views to date towards the disabled and mentally ill are very unenlightened, and they don't ever bother reading the latest developments on autism, read nonfiction about autism written by autistics and experts, and don't bother at all to learn how to properly interact with autistics. They say "blood is thicker than water," but that's only true factually, very far from metaphorically.

[pshaw_raven]

One author I was reading had an excellent statement that she made about that - "I get nervous when people say they want to have a baby. I'd prefer it if people said they want to raise a child, because then they've at least considered the lifelong commitment involved." Too many people just have kids because they can, or they think they're supposed to. Then the kid doesn't turn out the way they want so they decide trying to torture and scare it into conformity is okay.

[zefyr]

I'm sorry you've had to experience this stuff.

While I wasn't adopted, one of the things that resonate with me about your entry is your realization as an adult of how your adoptive mother negatively treated you. I knew growing that my father was a very sick and abusive man; I had to experience it every day, and it ruined me, but the way my mother treated me was different and less ostensibly abusive. Not only did she do nothing while my father did the things he did to me (in fact, she protected him), but since I was a child she never treated me as a individual human being but as a projection of whatever she wished I was, which involved great degrees of manipulation and gaslighting. It was only much later in life that I was actually able to understand these things, because I knew nothing different while growing up. Regardless of how horrible these things were, they normal to me. For years I did try to have some bond with my mother, but I found it very difficult to feel any sort of real love for her due to the lack of it she showed me growing up, and that's despite her having given birth to me.

I've also felt like I never belonged anywhere all my life, but I guess the reasons are a bit different. Of course, everyone is unique, but having others who experience these things makes life's journey a bit less difficult. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Raven.

[pshaw_raven]

I'm sorry to hear about the things you've had to deal with yourself - I wish some of us had had an easier time growing up.

It's amazing to me how much we assume that what's going on in our own family is normal. Then you're talking about something that happened to you as a kid and someone says basically says they're sorry ... and you start realizing that the behavior was actually abusive. And you had no clue growing up that not every parent did those things.

I try to hold some compassion for my adoptive mom, because I know some of her own childhood experiences growing up with an alcoholic mother and a tumultuous home life where she had to raise her two younger sisters. But at the same time I wish she'd worked on her own issues instead of taking things out on my bio-mom and later, me.

[cdayzee]

There is something to be said about the pieces starting to fit later in life that help explain & rationalize things. I've recently started on my own journey, so it's all quite new. Since I've already lived most of my life, I'm encountering not only a lot of unknowns but also a lot of naysayers, which adds another layer. Before, I just knew something was 'off' but I was given labels to explain it away. Now that I'm starting to see the whole picture & experience relief & a desire to share my 'good news' with folks, that's being shit on & I'm still basically told that I'm crazy or whatever. Cryptic comment is cryptic, I guess lol but even though our situations aren't the same, I can appreciate the similarities :) I hope that makes sense at least! I've had a terrible time lately of expressing myself adequately & giving up - leaving people to misinterpret my meaning.

I've been trying to figure out some sensory item that could calm me down but I've been so lost on the whole 'how to cope' thing that even that is a mystery to me. Therein the problem becomes by being late-[self]diagnosed, in my case. I do have an odd affinity for like nubby material. I can't quite describe it. I had a blanket as a child that was threadbare & pilled but it felt good to rub the material between my fingers. My husband owns a dress shirt that's similar [not threadbare or pilly but nubby by design] & I can't stop myself from doing that when he's wearing it. The blanket didn't really calm me as a kid nor does the throwback take me back to a warm & fuzzy time, I just like how it feels. Again, probably not making sense to anyone but myself. I see lots of people feel better with fidgeting & sensory stuff & I want to also :sigh:

Anyway, I'm happy for you that you're getting the validation <3

[pshaw_raven]

That feeling as an adult when those pieces start falling in place and things start making sense is sort of ... liberating, on one hand. But it's also kind of infuriating! I sometimes want to scream at the adults that were around when I was little and shake them, "Didn't you notice something was up?" I guess with kids, though, people see what they want to, and probably assume you'll grow out of it at some point.

I tend to over-explain everything. I dread being mis-interpreted so much I'll explain before anyone even asks. Too often, I'd wound up in situations where people intentionally misinterpreted me, and my adoptive mom has always been the sort to take everything personally.

I wonder if people sometimes take up crochet or stitching because they like the sensory feeling. The repetitive nature is probably pretty calming, too. Sometimes I'm surprised by an object that either feels great to touch and handle, or feels weird.

[cdayzee]

But it's also kind of infuriating!
:nodding: In fact, I recently skimmed an article that stated many adults with ADHD have that reaction & some mourn all the years they went not knowing & lacking support. [I realize this is not what you're writing about but it made me think of the similarities of pieces fitting together as an adult.]

re misinterpreting: it's been my experience that whenever I over-explain something, it makes things worse. That's why I drew further into myself & basically stayed quiet. Whenever I've let my true colors show, I end up losing friends & now they also have a skewed opinion of me. [It's only recently that I've discovered that I'm masking - which is a whole other thing I'm trying to come to terms with. It's become my personality.] In fact, I've thought about coming out with my recent [self]diagnosis as a way to explain but at my age, I know most people would misinterpret that as well which I've come to discover that others have this issue also. I have found some kinship via a FB group, so that's been helpful if only not to feel so alone. I also tend to go off on wind-y tangents lol. I've always done that. Now I know why.

Another aspect is me talking about my experience in light of what someone says/posts in their space has been ill-received as well. I hope my comments haven't offended you. I've come to understand that my doing that is my attempt to show kinship - but again it's often misinterpreted.

I'll end this comment with :hugs: :) It's difficult finding 'safe' people who understand <3