P'shaw (she/they) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pshaw_raven) wrote2024-08-09 06:46 am
pshaw_raven) wrote2024-08-09 06:46 am
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Friday Five - The Hornets' Nest
1. Are you and your birth family close?
No. After college, I moved out of state, and I rarely hear from anyone in my family aside from my adoptive and birth mothers. Well, "rarely" is incorrect - it's actually "never."
2. How far away do you live from your various family members?
Most of my family lives in eastern Tennessee, I think. I was under the impression some live in Florida. Apparently one of my great grandmothers lived the later part of her life in Jacksonville and was shipped back to TN to be buried. I also thought I had heard some cousins live in Winter Park but I don't really know.
3. When was the last time you visited with relatives?
I don't remember exactly. I want to say maybe 2003? Definitely pre-Katrina.
4. Do your relatives travel to visit you?
LOL nope. I think Carolyn and Gina are the only ones who even know where I live.
5. How do you stay in touch with family: phone calls, email, snail mail, texts, other?
Text mostly. I'm awkward on the phone so I rarely call anyone unless it's necessary. Text or email are best for me. I frankly don't care if someone in my family wants me to call.
I used to think I had an entirely average, normal childhood, but lately I'm learning how not-normal things were. Processing all this is difficult. I'm grateful to finally be in a living situation where I feel secure, and while Fox doesn't personally understand some of the stuff I've been through, he's willing to listen. But I feel like I've set off one of those endlessly elaborate displays of falling dominoes by simply starting to ask a question of myself one day - "Why do I do that?" I don't like the answers I'm getting, but they make things make sense, even if I wish they weren't true.
If I'm asked directly, my answer is something like "oh, my childhood was fine. You know, the usual." This is because I can't remember a lot of it. I remember what I was reading, or what TV shows I followed, but not much about what I was actually doing. I tended to live inside my own head most of the time, which I'm told ... isn't really normal. I was mentally just checked out a lot. I didn't want to be at home, I didn't like school, I didn't have much of any place to go except inward. It was the same trapped feeling I had in Louisiana - I hated my job and didn't want to be at work, but I dreaded having to go home, and in between I didn't have many places I could be.
I doubt that I was an easy kid to raise, but I also feel like if you have a kid, and especially if you go out of your way to adopt one, you ought to be prepared for them to be individual humans. You can't force people to be the way you wish them to be. And when you don't even know what the hell you want from anyone, you can really screw up a kid who relies on you for their life.
No. After college, I moved out of state, and I rarely hear from anyone in my family aside from my adoptive and birth mothers. Well, "rarely" is incorrect - it's actually "never."
2. How far away do you live from your various family members?
Most of my family lives in eastern Tennessee, I think. I was under the impression some live in Florida. Apparently one of my great grandmothers lived the later part of her life in Jacksonville and was shipped back to TN to be buried. I also thought I had heard some cousins live in Winter Park but I don't really know.
3. When was the last time you visited with relatives?
I don't remember exactly. I want to say maybe 2003? Definitely pre-Katrina.
4. Do your relatives travel to visit you?
LOL nope. I think Carolyn and Gina are the only ones who even know where I live.
5. How do you stay in touch with family: phone calls, email, snail mail, texts, other?
Text mostly. I'm awkward on the phone so I rarely call anyone unless it's necessary. Text or email are best for me. I frankly don't care if someone in my family wants me to call.
I used to think I had an entirely average, normal childhood, but lately I'm learning how not-normal things were. Processing all this is difficult. I'm grateful to finally be in a living situation where I feel secure, and while Fox doesn't personally understand some of the stuff I've been through, he's willing to listen. But I feel like I've set off one of those endlessly elaborate displays of falling dominoes by simply starting to ask a question of myself one day - "Why do I do that?" I don't like the answers I'm getting, but they make things make sense, even if I wish they weren't true.
If I'm asked directly, my answer is something like "oh, my childhood was fine. You know, the usual." This is because I can't remember a lot of it. I remember what I was reading, or what TV shows I followed, but not much about what I was actually doing. I tended to live inside my own head most of the time, which I'm told ... isn't really normal. I was mentally just checked out a lot. I didn't want to be at home, I didn't like school, I didn't have much of any place to go except inward. It was the same trapped feeling I had in Louisiana - I hated my job and didn't want to be at work, but I dreaded having to go home, and in between I didn't have many places I could be.
I doubt that I was an easy kid to raise, but I also feel like if you have a kid, and especially if you go out of your way to adopt one, you ought to be prepared for them to be individual humans. You can't force people to be the way you wish them to be. And when you don't even know what the hell you want from anyone, you can really screw up a kid who relies on you for their life.
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This is one of the many reasons that I've opted to be child-free. I love the lifestyle I live and if I were to have a kid that had varying hobbies (they could hate farm life!), I would have to carve more time out of my day to curate their enrichment. I couldn't fault them for not loving the same things as myself, and to be a good parent, you need to make sure that your child is also able to express themselves with the things that fuel their passion.
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I'm so happy that you're in a secure environment with a caring partner. That helps soo much!
It's interesting you say that you can't remember a lot of your childhood. It makes me wonder exactly what trauma my husband has been through because he barely recalls anything. And the last time I was privy to an in-person convo with his dad & brothers, the stuff he thinks he remembers isn't accurate at all. Yet he stays far away from this. I know it takes great courage to look at the past. Sometimes it can be less painful not to examine it - in his case. However, due to my [newly realized] autism, I have a strong desire to understand people by looking at what they've been through. The examining definitely has many layers with lots of corresponding emotions. I think later in life is when many start doing the hard inner work & when questions start surfacing.
I think back to when we were kids, there was a different viewpoint on kid-raising. When we know better, we do better but back then I think a lot of adults were simply trying to survive life [which sometimes includes generational trauma]. I don't think there was an awareness that kids were actually different individuals but were someone to mold. I think we were more objectified. Not saying that as a defense but more to understand.
:hugs:
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