P'shaw (she/they) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pshaw_raven) wrote2024-08-09 06:46 am
pshaw_raven) wrote2024-08-09 06:46 am
Entry tags:
Friday Five - The Hornets' Nest
1. Are you and your birth family close?
No. After college, I moved out of state, and I rarely hear from anyone in my family aside from my adoptive and birth mothers. Well, "rarely" is incorrect - it's actually "never."
2. How far away do you live from your various family members?
Most of my family lives in eastern Tennessee, I think. I was under the impression some live in Florida. Apparently one of my great grandmothers lived the later part of her life in Jacksonville and was shipped back to TN to be buried. I also thought I had heard some cousins live in Winter Park but I don't really know.
3. When was the last time you visited with relatives?
I don't remember exactly. I want to say maybe 2003? Definitely pre-Katrina.
4. Do your relatives travel to visit you?
LOL nope. I think Carolyn and Gina are the only ones who even know where I live.
5. How do you stay in touch with family: phone calls, email, snail mail, texts, other?
Text mostly. I'm awkward on the phone so I rarely call anyone unless it's necessary. Text or email are best for me. I frankly don't care if someone in my family wants me to call.
I used to think I had an entirely average, normal childhood, but lately I'm learning how not-normal things were. Processing all this is difficult. I'm grateful to finally be in a living situation where I feel secure, and while Fox doesn't personally understand some of the stuff I've been through, he's willing to listen. But I feel like I've set off one of those endlessly elaborate displays of falling dominoes by simply starting to ask a question of myself one day - "Why do I do that?" I don't like the answers I'm getting, but they make things make sense, even if I wish they weren't true.
If I'm asked directly, my answer is something like "oh, my childhood was fine. You know, the usual." This is because I can't remember a lot of it. I remember what I was reading, or what TV shows I followed, but not much about what I was actually doing. I tended to live inside my own head most of the time, which I'm told ... isn't really normal. I was mentally just checked out a lot. I didn't want to be at home, I didn't like school, I didn't have much of any place to go except inward. It was the same trapped feeling I had in Louisiana - I hated my job and didn't want to be at work, but I dreaded having to go home, and in between I didn't have many places I could be.
I doubt that I was an easy kid to raise, but I also feel like if you have a kid, and especially if you go out of your way to adopt one, you ought to be prepared for them to be individual humans. You can't force people to be the way you wish them to be. And when you don't even know what the hell you want from anyone, you can really screw up a kid who relies on you for their life.
No. After college, I moved out of state, and I rarely hear from anyone in my family aside from my adoptive and birth mothers. Well, "rarely" is incorrect - it's actually "never."
2. How far away do you live from your various family members?
Most of my family lives in eastern Tennessee, I think. I was under the impression some live in Florida. Apparently one of my great grandmothers lived the later part of her life in Jacksonville and was shipped back to TN to be buried. I also thought I had heard some cousins live in Winter Park but I don't really know.
3. When was the last time you visited with relatives?
I don't remember exactly. I want to say maybe 2003? Definitely pre-Katrina.
4. Do your relatives travel to visit you?
LOL nope. I think Carolyn and Gina are the only ones who even know where I live.
5. How do you stay in touch with family: phone calls, email, snail mail, texts, other?
Text mostly. I'm awkward on the phone so I rarely call anyone unless it's necessary. Text or email are best for me. I frankly don't care if someone in my family wants me to call.
I used to think I had an entirely average, normal childhood, but lately I'm learning how not-normal things were. Processing all this is difficult. I'm grateful to finally be in a living situation where I feel secure, and while Fox doesn't personally understand some of the stuff I've been through, he's willing to listen. But I feel like I've set off one of those endlessly elaborate displays of falling dominoes by simply starting to ask a question of myself one day - "Why do I do that?" I don't like the answers I'm getting, but they make things make sense, even if I wish they weren't true.
If I'm asked directly, my answer is something like "oh, my childhood was fine. You know, the usual." This is because I can't remember a lot of it. I remember what I was reading, or what TV shows I followed, but not much about what I was actually doing. I tended to live inside my own head most of the time, which I'm told ... isn't really normal. I was mentally just checked out a lot. I didn't want to be at home, I didn't like school, I didn't have much of any place to go except inward. It was the same trapped feeling I had in Louisiana - I hated my job and didn't want to be at work, but I dreaded having to go home, and in between I didn't have many places I could be.
I doubt that I was an easy kid to raise, but I also feel like if you have a kid, and especially if you go out of your way to adopt one, you ought to be prepared for them to be individual humans. You can't force people to be the way you wish them to be. And when you don't even know what the hell you want from anyone, you can really screw up a kid who relies on you for their life.
no subject
Being out of the house has at least allowed me to see that my mother's behavior wasn't just me. I grew up thinking she hated me, and that all her anger and irritation was my own fault. But I couldn't figure out what I was doing, and it seemed like everyone else hated me, too, so I must be the defective one. I can easily see why we butted heads so much. That doesn't mean I want to go back and try to make amends or talk to her or anything, I know she won't have changed and there will still be all the blaming and vitriol. Understanding why she was the way she was is important to me, but mainly as a way to untangle my own knots and try to be a better human.
Recently I read an exchange online where a young woman was posting that her older brother said their family was abusive, and she was questioning that. She did say that when she was alone, she was able to relax but that she tensed up and became anxious around her mother. Someone responded that "you brother and your own nervous system know the truth." And that was a huge wake-up for me, as I remember cherishing any time I had to be alone and how I was able to just chill and be happy, and how that evaporated the moment I knew my mom was around. Moving several states away after college was like being able to take full, deep breaths again. I wanted nothing more than to be *away* from her, and I'm pretty sure she knew that on some level.
I'm glad to see things like therapy being much more widely accepted. It can benefit in a lot of ways and the whole idea that mental health is shameful, or not even "real" is just bizarre to me.
no subject
A lot of people don't need an official diagnosis at this stage in life. If you do ever get curious, https://embrace-autism.com/ is an excellent resource. I've also discovered that a person can be both ADHD & autistic: AuDHD ;)
I've found a psychologist on Instagram who specializes in working with late-realized & diagnosed females. I soo want to pay her $2k to do my assessment. If I had my own money, it would be no question.
As women/girls, we are excellent maskers. That's how I realized how much of my life has been spent masking. Now I don't really know who I am - which is another common thing.
I always knew there was something different about me. I just thought it was because I was an only child & I didn't have a lot of socialization, thus few skills.
Oh & another thing - neurodivergence is usually genetic.
Anyway, being on the spectrum is just that - everyone is different yet so much is the same & relatable. If you decide you'd like to join an FB group, I can share with you the one I'm in.
I can relate to this too but in a different way. Last year when I was experiencing burnout, I'd be somewhat ok during the day but whenever my husband was around, my nervous system went haywire. I'm still trying to ignore the flashing red warnings it's giving me & learn to live with it for now - not a very easy task.