P'shaw (she/they) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pshaw_raven) wrote2018-12-26 10:12 am
pshaw_raven) wrote2018-12-26 10:12 am
Entry tags:
Further Down the Spiral
My holidays were kind of busy and stressful but on the whole not TOO bad. We spent the day yesterday at Fox's parents' house in Orlando where we stayed overnight. His parents (well, his mom) is a "health vegan" so she eats and serves mostly plant-based foods, but she did have a pre-made salad that was amazingly good, only it had dairy in the dressing. I know this because I spent all afternoon farting and my face is all broken out. But man that salad was good - I think I can recreate it with cashew yogurt as a dressing.
Speaking of which, one of my gifts this year was a veggie spiralizer, which I intend to try out this evening or tomorrow. I am still not, nor will I ever be a low-carber, but veggie noodles are a great way to get more plants in one's diet. My first test recipe with it is parsnip noodles with kale and vegan chorizo. The original recipe called for broccolini, or substitute broccoli florets - and I'm not big on the taste of the one, or the leftover qualities of the other. So, kale.
It's very weird to me to do "family stuff." It also feels weird to me when people are happy to see me or want to talk to me. I wasn't an abused child or anything - I just felt very alienated, I guess is a good word. Like I was constantly in trouble at home or school, I thought my parents hated me, I knew for a fact the other kids hated me, they'd tell me so. I was the disposable friend in my friend group, if they needed to lose a kid or two for an activity I was the one to go. I eventually stopped putting any effort in making myself likable or trying to fit in, I mean, why bother, right? Being an adult is different in a lot of ways, but there is often still that holdover sense of, "I shouldn't be here, these people are just tolerating me and they'll be happier if I go away. I'm always the turd in the punchbowl anyway." I'm also aware that no one actually had a happy childhood or has a happy family, and that's all a lot of sentimental marketing slop.
As you can see I am having a lot of trouble fighting my mind today.
On a more upbeat note, today I learned that whales have vestigial legs inside their bodies. This image amuses me because I can imagine their tiny internal feet paddling furiously as they swim.
Speaking of which, one of my gifts this year was a veggie spiralizer, which I intend to try out this evening or tomorrow. I am still not, nor will I ever be a low-carber, but veggie noodles are a great way to get more plants in one's diet. My first test recipe with it is parsnip noodles with kale and vegan chorizo. The original recipe called for broccolini, or substitute broccoli florets - and I'm not big on the taste of the one, or the leftover qualities of the other. So, kale.
It's very weird to me to do "family stuff." It also feels weird to me when people are happy to see me or want to talk to me. I wasn't an abused child or anything - I just felt very alienated, I guess is a good word. Like I was constantly in trouble at home or school, I thought my parents hated me, I knew for a fact the other kids hated me, they'd tell me so. I was the disposable friend in my friend group, if they needed to lose a kid or two for an activity I was the one to go. I eventually stopped putting any effort in making myself likable or trying to fit in, I mean, why bother, right? Being an adult is different in a lot of ways, but there is often still that holdover sense of, "I shouldn't be here, these people are just tolerating me and they'll be happier if I go away. I'm always the turd in the punchbowl anyway." I'm also aware that no one actually had a happy childhood or has a happy family, and that's all a lot of sentimental marketing slop.
As you can see I am having a lot of trouble fighting my mind today.
On a more upbeat note, today I learned that whales have vestigial legs inside their bodies. This image amuses me because I can imagine their tiny internal feet paddling furiously as they swim.
no subject
One of the best things human did was invent pasta, so turning vegetables into pasta blew my mind. I can't remember the last time I had simple grain pasta.
I sympathize with the alienation. Catching up on stuff other people already figured out as they went along is so tiresome. Reading about DBT helped catch some of the illogical tricks of the mind, but it's still weird when people want your company specifically.
no subject
I hear you, I was sort of the outsider even among outsiders at school...actually, I wasn't great friend material to begin with. *sheepish* ^^;; And yeah, I don't think there's such a thing as a "perfect" family or childhood.
...somebody needs to draw a huge whale with teeny legs now. XD;;;
relatable <3
I was the "black sheep" of the family, with two younger siblings at home, and many cousins I was compared to.
I got into trouble, and, a lot of the time, it was for something I didn't do.
my parents always assumed the worst of me.
it was difficult for me to connect with others socially, because I was a shy introvert, with lots of anxiety and depression from my poor upbringing and crappy environment.
I think I've had 3 or 4 close friends in my entire life :))
mostly, I was interested in boys, because, to make matters even WORSE, I also had a daddy complex due to my father never being around.
ugh.
it's like a lifetime movie, I tell ya.
I will stop there, but, you're not alone.
being around my family is tense and awkward, so I do it on my own terms and conditions.
I LOVE being with my kids, they are my family now.
happy holidays <3 <3 <3
p.s. the whale thing is awesome :))
no subject
Sometimes I feel like my life is one long episode of "why didn't anyone ever tell me this, and how did everyone else find out?" My parents used to brush that off by saying that since I was considered a gifted child, they assumed I'd figure it out on my own, but I'm coming to think that when adults do that to kids, it's basically laziness. Oh, you're a gifted child? Good, then we won't bother actually trying to teach you anything, and it can be your own fault when you don't learn.
no subject
I'm not really certain how I ended up being "back of the pack" in school and even now I kind of don't care. I no longer live anywhere near where I grew up, so I don't have to see those people, and I'm happy with it that way. Also since I've moved a lot and changed my name I don't think I'll ever need to put up with class reunion invites.
Re: relatable <3
I've become a lot happier since we downsized the holidays. Kitty used to adore Christmas, and everyone else was expected to be as excited and happy about it as she was, so I spent most of the month inwardly groaning and dying. Nothing like mandatory fun, huh? I think most holidays any more are really for children - there's no meaning left in them, unless you put the effort in to make your own meaning. It's all just capitalism now.
I was definitely the black sheep as far as my dad's side of the family was concerned - I never quite figured out why they didn't like me. My mom's side liked me just fine and a lot of them were very kind to me as a child. Go figure.
no subject
Now that sounds familiar too. I didn't get hit with the "gifted child" bit so much as the "Indigo children" fad. I was a little too smart and independently bookish, but mostly just weird, and my obsession with fantasy and dragons in particular was the nail in the coffin I think. It definitely sounds like laziness to me. Some parents have too much of their ego tied up in their kids that they can't imagine those kids needing regular developmental help like everyone else.
no subject
I didn't know that about whales - too funny!
Re: relatable <3
I agree, the holidays have turned into something else entirely.
it's a shame, because, when I was a child, I remember it still had some meaning.
no one in my family liked me once I turned about 12 years old, and grew a mind of my own.
it was mother's family, I never got to know my dad's side.
<3
no subject
Also, I love vegetable noodles!