P'shaw (she/they) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pshaw_raven) wrote2025-05-13 09:17 am
pshaw_raven) wrote2025-05-13 09:17 am
(no subject)
This is a fairly long read on childhood trauma and shame, that actually names and describes something I've felt but couldn't articulate. "Atmospheric shame," or the general, pervasive sense of shame at just existing.
This weekend was also rough because of the holiday. I hate Mother's Day and have for a long time. I'm exhausted from being pulled from trying to be empathetic, to being angry, to feeling lost, to just plain confused. I still don't understand why someone would go through the trouble to adopt a kid and then make them feel like shit for being alive. She wasn't doing the best she could, she was deliberately taking her own pain and frustration out on someone who couldn't defend themselves, or even understand WTF was going on. And as much as I do want to be empathetic and understanding, I'm furious at being used.
There's also this passage from a different article, which feels like it sums my childhood experience up so neatly.
"Dr. Sherrie (Campbell) stresses that the way abusers operate, doling out small doses of kindness interspersed with long bouts of abuse, keeps their victims stuck in a state of relentless hope, seesawing endlessly between the deep suffering of parental rejection and the naive hope that things will eventually change. Dr. Campbell points out that it should not be surprising when this type of emotional torture leads to feelings of hate. She maintains that hate for one’s abusive parents should be looked at as a natural and potentially crucial part of the healing process."
Gestures of kindness or generosity became something I was deeply suspicious of, but I still drank them up whenever one came my way, feeling like an idiot the entire time. I spent most of my life wondering what was wrong with me that made me hate her so much, when it seemed like everyone else had these close, warm relationships with their moms. Of course I think that was one of the goals - to make me feel like it was my fault.
This weekend was also rough because of the holiday. I hate Mother's Day and have for a long time. I'm exhausted from being pulled from trying to be empathetic, to being angry, to feeling lost, to just plain confused. I still don't understand why someone would go through the trouble to adopt a kid and then make them feel like shit for being alive. She wasn't doing the best she could, she was deliberately taking her own pain and frustration out on someone who couldn't defend themselves, or even understand WTF was going on. And as much as I do want to be empathetic and understanding, I'm furious at being used.
There's also this passage from a different article, which feels like it sums my childhood experience up so neatly.
"Dr. Sherrie (Campbell) stresses that the way abusers operate, doling out small doses of kindness interspersed with long bouts of abuse, keeps their victims stuck in a state of relentless hope, seesawing endlessly between the deep suffering of parental rejection and the naive hope that things will eventually change. Dr. Campbell points out that it should not be surprising when this type of emotional torture leads to feelings of hate. She maintains that hate for one’s abusive parents should be looked at as a natural and potentially crucial part of the healing process."
Gestures of kindness or generosity became something I was deeply suspicious of, but I still drank them up whenever one came my way, feeling like an idiot the entire time. I spent most of my life wondering what was wrong with me that made me hate her so much, when it seemed like everyone else had these close, warm relationships with their moms. Of course I think that was one of the goals - to make me feel like it was my fault.